The Role of Dysfunctional Family Members and Addiction Recovery

Have you ever heard the phrase “addiction is a family disease” and thought, “How can that be possible? They aren’t the ones who are sick. It’s the person with the addiction who has the problem, not the rest of the family.”

But the truth is, many of us know a friend or loved one who is struggling with some form of addiction—and it absolutely affects those around them in countless ways.

The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) reported more than 100,000 overdose deaths from drugs and alcohol in the United States alone. That’s a lot of family members who are left wondering and grieving.

My own mother spent countless nights wracked with fear and anxiety as she despaired if she’d ever see her son again, just as her mother did a generation earlier. She spiralled deeper and deeper into depression as she tormented herself, asking:

Is he safe?

When will I see him again?

Where is he?

Will I ever see him again…?

Is today the day I get the phone call or see the story on the news?

You see, no matter what type of addiction you, a loved one, or someone close to you might be battling, there’s always a ripple effect of a family member who is also deeply affected—even if you don’t know about it.

Whether your loved one has been secretly gambling the family savings away or engaging in a damaging secret sex life, every type of addiction has a direct impact on the entire family system.

There are long-term complications for every family member involved, which manifest in depression, anxiety, anger and guilt. Many families have to face their own generational trauma and the complicated question of “How did we get here?”

The author Mike McHargue famously said “People grow when they are loved well. If you want to help others heal, love them without an agenda.” This quote is perfect for approaching a loved one in addiction recovery. For true family healing, it’s vital to love hard, love them and love yourself with no strings attached.

But how do you support your loved one through sobriety? How do you navigate the recovery process and love without an agenda?

The family also needs help

“But they’re the ones who are sick, not me!” you might be thinking. It’s easy to react with defensiveness when you feel you’ve already done everything possible. Perhaps you’ve sent your loved one to rehab countless times only to witness them repeatedly relapse. The losses are huge when watching someone you love caught in the grips of substance abuse.

Maybe you’ve felt like the victim for so long it’s hard to break out of that role and claim back your identity as anything else. But the truth is, substance use disorder (SUD) and addiction affect the entire family dynamic as they erode trust, weaken communication and cause endless, painful emotions.

Everyone struggles in one way or another, so true healing is ideally a family recovery, not just an individual’s. Family support plays a major part in the treatment process, but it’s essential for families to learn and acknowledge their role as well.

The dysfunctional roles of family members

In order for everyone to heal and thrive again, it’s necessary to understand the dysfunctional roles family members often play. Quite unknowingly, families who are impacted by addiction develop dysfunctional coping mechanisms in order to cope with their loved one’s addiction and behaviour.

While many dysfunctional family “roles” exist, some of the main culprits repeatedly present themselves.

Families who are willing to work on themselves can help their loved ones achieve and maintain sobriety because families both affect and are affected by addiction.

The enabler or the martyr

Also known as The Caregiver or the Strong One, the Enabler appears as a strong and positive family member and often serves as a caregiver, protector, and rescuer. This role is not limited to adult members, as children can often adopt a caregiver or enabler role.

This family member is known for excusing the behaviours of the addicted family member and is either unwilling or unable to hold them accountable for their actions. They are experts at “smoothing things over” to protect the person with an addiction from the consequences of their poor choices. The enabling is often because of a desire to avoid the shame and embarrassment the addict brings to the family. Unable to keep healthy boundaries with family members, they become anxious, resentful, deceitful, angry and depressed.

These secret keepers think they are taking care of the addict by always being at their beck and call, but by keeping the addicted family member dependent on them, they often end up stunting the addict’s recovery and experiences for growth.

The savior or hero

Do you have a “perfect” family member? The overachieving perfectionist with the highest grades and a lengthy list of achievements excels in everything they do? This shining star of the addicted family system looks great from the outside, but on the inside, there are hidden feelings of shame, inadequacy, and insecurity.

All of their outstanding accomplishments are merely a mask to cope with their low self-esteem and the ever-present, underlying toxic family dynamics. While heroes don’t cause the family any additional stress, they are usually in denial about the severity of the situation and their own issues that require professional help.

The scapegoat

This person is the opposite of the hero and is often blamed as the unstable “bad one”. The scapegoat is obviously struggling and is impacted by dysfunctional family dynamics and acts out with unhealthy behaviours to cope.

But just like every other family member, the scapegoat is just as affected by the toxic family dynamic; the difference is that they act out in ways that everyone can see. In reality, this role creates “fixable” problems to distract the family from the real issue at hand, which is the family member with a substance abuse disorder.

The jester

Everyone loves a comedian and the member that plays this family role does not disappoint. Also known as the “Class Clown” they are the cute ones always cracking jokes and easing the family tensions. Often the life of the party, the Jester, makes every family gathering memorable and fun.

While they can be encouraging and supportive, they are rarely honest with their own emotions and struggle to tap into their true feelings. Rather than causing conflict within the family by addressing the situation, they provide a comic relief cover to simply avoid the unpleasant situation at hand. It’s nearly impossible to have difficult conversations with the Jester holding court.

The lost child

This quiet, often overwhelmed, shy family member is outwardly seen as very independent. The Lost Child hides out and retreats physically and emotionally from the family dysfunction. They will never “rock the boat” because they simply avoid conflict at all costs.

Suppressing their emotions, shutting down, and checking out are finely tuned skills that they suffer greatly from. Family members often forget about the Lost Child as they tend to spend a lot of time alone and purposely stay away to not bring more stress to their already stressed-out family.

Do you see yourself in any of these family roles? Are you ready to make some changes in your life to help heal yourself and your loved ones?

Family addiction recovery at White River Manor

Addiction can tear families apart. But it doesn’t have to. If you recognise yourself in any of the dysfunctional family roles of addiction, then you’ve already taken the first step to healing. At White River Manor, we understand that families are complicated, and knowing how to support a loved one in addiction recovery is even trickier.

If you know or love someone struggling with addiction, it can be overwhelming to know what to do or how to do it. Recovery is complex and is most often quite messy. You’re going to need support, and we’re here to help.

At White River Manor, we offer more than just treatment to the addicted individual; we involve the entire family in their loved one’s care. From one-on-one therapy to family counselling, we’re here to help families find a way forward.

If you or someone you love needs addiction treatment, reach out and speak to one of our dedicated team members today. We’re here, and we’re ready to help. You don’t have to do this alone.