How I Learned to Sit With My Feelings (Without Numbing Out)

By Ciara O.

Feelings are a universal part of the human experience. 

But they are not exclusive to the human race alone. Even animals experience emotions in their unique ways, making them a shared aspect of aliveness that connects us all.

Feelings are an inescapable part of life, and it’s okay to acknowledge that. It’s natural to feel tempted to numb certain emotions, and it’s important to remember that many others share this struggle.

Our capacity to experience a wide range of emotions, from joy to sadness, frustration, and anger, is an integral part of everyday life.

Emotions, whether we like them or not, are omnipresent in that they exist in all places at all times. The word ‘inescapable ‘comes up again, reinforcing their ubiquity.

In my experience, feelings – particularly those we dislike or detest – are often there to teach us something, often in the form of a painful lesson (for want of a better expression).

We could go as far as to say that whatever emotions delight or inflame us are there to communicate something, perhaps even reveal unmet needs or the part of us that feels wronged by life in some way. 

Many experts say that to be happy, whole human beings, it’s vital we learn to sit with our feelings instead of numbing them out through substances, toxic relationships, or working all the hours in an attempt not to feel something. 

What it means to ‘sit’ with your feelings

Sitting with your feelings means acknowledging them, understanding their source, and allowing them to exist without trying to judge, suppress or ignore them.

It’s not about ‘fixing’ but about building the capacity to be with emotions without becoming overwhelmed or shutting down, both of which are forms of numbing out.

So, if you can relate to this and want to discover how I learned to sit with my feelings, particularly during a time when I wanted to do anything but, you have come to the right place.

Here, I unpack some of the ways I learned to navigate a difficult time by embracing my feelings instead of avoiding them – I hope you can find some meaning and help in my lived experience.

How we can help

If you would like to talk about any worries or concerns you may have about your mental health or if you find yourself using substances or other behaviours to cope with stress or avoid painful emotions, White River Manor can help.

Contact our multidisciplinary team today for a confidential discussion or to learn more about our bespoke addiction and mental health treatment programmes. 

Whatever your struggles, you are not alone. Our team is always here to lend a listening ear.

It all started with loss

Eight years ago this summer, I lost my mother to heart disease. But before that, I spent many months at her hospital bedside.

I was her advocate, the person who signed all the surgical papers, the first port of call at 3 am, and the one who gave the nod to some of the most frightening medical interventions imaginable.

Soon enough, caffeine became my ‘go-to’ substance. It doesn’t sound as dangerous or harmful as other substances like alcohol or recreational drugs, but misuse is still misuse.

I’d get takeout after takeout, hoping that each sip would give me the same ‘hit’ that I’d gotten that first afternoon in the hospital corridor.

Latte, two shots, just a dash of milk – the barista knew precisely how to blend the beans with the milk, just enough to help me whizz around all day, applying lotion to my mother’s arid skin.

Speaking to doctors. Checking for infection markers. Entertaining her with made-up stories of how ‘well’ I was doing without her being at home. 

I’d run the dog around the park in the morning. Work from my laptop until the late afternoon, and off I’d go, another day at the hospital. 

As I pulled up outside the busy entrance, surrounded by flashing blue lights and people being wheeled out of ambulances, I’d often wonder, What will I be walking into today?

It always played out the same way.

I’d head toward the crowd, minutes away from Mum’s private room, taking deep breaths as I anticipated the day ahead. 

But first coffee.

It would be years until I realised that caffeine, in fact, all substances that we ‘use’ to cope with stress or difficult emotions, are often used to provide some form of comfort or escape.

Some experts call this process’ short-term energy relieving behaviours’ or STERBs.

What are STERBs? 

When we experience grief, trauma, or other types of adversity, it’s natural to seek comfort in ways we’ve learned over time, often without even realising it. 

Many of these coping mechanisms trace back to childhood, when a small treat or distraction, like a sweet from a parent, was offered to ease our tears.

As adults, those patterns can take different forms. 

Well-meaning friends might suggest a night out to ‘take your mind off things,’ using alcohol or other distractions as a temporary escape. 

We might find ourselves endlessly scrolling our news feeds, binge-watching old shows, or getting lost in books that transport us far from our own pain-filled reality.

Some of us may turn to shopping, food, or even overworking – anything to fill the void or ache of loss. 

These behaviours, while often harmless in moderation, can become automatic responses that keep us from fully processing our emotions.

These are known as short-term energy-relieving behaviours – quick fixes that soothe in the moment but rarely help us heal in the long run. 

Effective emotional recovery often begins when we gently start to recognise these patterns and make space to sit with our pain rather than avoid it.

How I learned to sit with my feelings (without numbing out) 

Learning to sit with challenging or painful emotions takes a lot of patience, courage and practice. 

It’s not about pushing feelings away or trying to ‘fix’ them. It’s about building capacity to feel them, staying present, and letting emotions move through you instead of overwhelming you. 

Here are some steps you may find helpful.

1. Pause and name what you’re feeling

When an intense emotion comes up, pause for a moment. Instead of reacting or distracting yourself, try and name what’s happening. For instance:

‘I’m feeling some anxiety.’

‘There’s a lot of fear here right now.’

You don’t have to fix or change anything. Just acknowledge whatever comes up in the moment.

And once you’ve done this, remind yourself, just once, gently:

‘Although this may feel uncomfortable, I can handle it.’

The goal here isn’t to feel better instantly. It’s just to feel without avoiding, numbing or distracting.

2. Observe the thoughts that come with it

Emotions, particularly intense ones, often come with a lot of flooding thoughts. Notice them, and gently try to shift how you relate to them. 

You might find the following helpful:

‘I’m having a thought that something bad might happen.’

‘I notice I’m thinking I can’t cope.’

Remind yourself that these thoughts are just that: thoughts. 

They are not facts. You can decide to let them come and go like passing clouds. There’s no need to argue with them or believe what they are telling you. 

3. Check in with your body

The third step is to tune in to the physical side of your experience. Ask yourself, what’s happening in my body right now?

‘Does my chest feel tight?’

‘Do I notice any tension in my shoulders?’

‘Is there a fluttering in my stomach?’

Don’t judge these sensations or assign a particular meaning. The key is to simply notice. 

Remember, sensations are part of emotions. They’re temporary, and they don’t signify danger. They are just information, albeit invaluable information.

4. Let uncertainty be there

If you’re feeling anxious, unsettled, or fearful of the unknown, try pausing to see if it helps.

Instead of trying to fix or soothe these emotions, try this instead:

‘It’s okay to feel unsure or anxious.’

‘I don’t need to have all the answers right now.’

If it feels safe, you may even want to get curious:

‘I wonder what this feeling is trying to tell me.’

‘Let’s see how long this feeling lasts without me trying to fix or interfere.’

Remember, the body has its own truth and rhythm. Trust it.

5. Stay with the feeling and let it pass

Again, if it feels safe, stick with the feeling for as long as it’s there. You might find it helpful to remind yourself that you’re not stuck – you’re just observing with relaxed curiosity.

Notice if anything starts to change or shift, even a little:

‘This is getting a bit lighter.’

‘My breathing is starting to slow down.’

Let yourself observe the feeling or sensation until it passes.

You didn’t have to numb it. You didn’t have to outrun it.

It moved through on its own.

That’s progress. And it deserves to be celebrated.

6. Reflect without judging

Once things begin to calm down, reflect on the experience. You may notice the following:

‘I stayed with something scary or tough, and I handled it.’

‘Each time I practise this, I grow stronger and more resilient.’

This isn’t about beating anxiety, trauma or grief. It’s about choosing to be present with what’s coming up in the moment. 

And that alone can make all the difference to how we recover from something.

The danger of incomplete stress responses

Experts say that when we don’t complete our stress responses – whether due to trauma, loss, or chronic stress- they can build up in the body over time, manifesting as physical diseases, addictions, and mental health issues.

These are just some of the consequences of suppressing our emotions instead of learning to sit with them. There are many others, too, such as relational issues, loss of identity, and chronic shame.

Experts also say that what started as a STERB may eventually turn into a long-term habit or unhealthy pattern, such as:

• Alcoholism/drinking
• Smoking
• Overeating
• Recreational drug abuse or over-the-counter drug abuse
• Love and sex addiction
• Addictive exercise

Essentially, when we use a STERB, what we’re trying to do, often unconsciously, is self-medicate or numb our way out of sadness or pain.

This puts us at higher risk of developing full-blown substance addictions or behavioural dependencies if left unchecked for too long.

By sitting with our feelings, we get to complete the stress response, however it may show up: Anger. Sadness. Fear. Frustration.

So how can we begin to do this?

Each of us responds to and processes pain differently. 

Whatever your process might be, mine was caffeine and lots of walking; yours might be entirely different, and that’s all okay. 

There is no right or wrong.

The key is first to recognise the pattern as a coping mechanism, and the second is to ask yourself – how helpful is this behaviour and what is it trying to tell me/ protect me from?

These are key questions, as not every behaviour is going to be harmful to your health or well-being. For instance, if you read books to escape stress, some might argue that this is a helpful distraction. 

Or, if, like me, you walk miles every day, this might be seen as healthy and conducive to healing. Again, the hack here is to get curious about what these behaviours are trying to communicate.

Reconnecting with the body

Often, the answer to a lot of emotional suffering is in the body. 

That’s why most treatment centres (ours included) offer integrated programmes that address the ‘whole’ person in recovery, such as the mind, body, spirit and emotions.

Wellness programmes that help us reconnect with the body, such as mindfulness, yoga, meditation, and breathwork, enable us to build the capacity to sit with our feelings instead of avoiding, drinking, or over-exercising them away.

In many recovery settings, a lot of healing occurs through experiential approaches like breathwork and meditation.

Specific breathing techniques, such as lion’s breath (which can help release anger) or ocean breath (helpful for easing anxiety), are often used to manage emotions and become more aware of what’s present, rather than avoiding, minimising, or intellectualising.

But it’s not just about breathing in the right way or being present.

It’s also about allowing different emotions in, and, if resourced well enough, expanding awareness of where that emotion lives in the body.

When we do this, we reveal the truth, depth and source of our feelings instead of experiencing surface-level emotions that are often protective, like anxiety, anger, or shutdown. 

Powerful questions that can help us get to the truth include:

Does X emotion have a colour? Shape? Texture? Is it cool, hot, or neutral? If your sadness, disappointment or feelings of disgust had a voice, what would it say?

If you could speak to the emotion, what would you tell it?

Often, what an individual identifies as ‘anger’ can end up being a completely different emotion when they reconnect to the body.

I’ve experienced this myself. Through body-based work, I discovered that what I thought was anger ended up materialising as stomach-wrenching disappointment.

The kind that aches in places I never knew existed.

Inherently, the body knows the truth. And once you understand what’s there, you can begin to heal and find peace.

The trick is to tune in and listen.

Rooting out the weeds so the grass can grow

STERBs, in fact, any addictive process, often begin as a temporary relief or distraction from unwanted feelings or emotions.

But the relief doesn’t last. And, what’s more, these behaviours don’t address the emotions underneath the surface.

Like any drug, whether caffeine, alcohol or opioids, it’s likely you’ll begin to require higher and higher doses over time to be effective or experience the same ‘hit’ as you did in the beginning.

Before you know it, you’ve developed a habit or addiction you find hard to stop.

Put simply, STERBs or any addiction creates more problems than it solves.  

Recovery is not just about pulling out the emotional weeds; we want to uproot them so that healthy thoughts and beliefs have space to grow, allowing us to experience all the joy and freedom life has to offer.

It’s not about suppressing or pushing down our emotions; it’s about addressing them, and, in time, expressing them in ways that feel safe and supportive.

With time, patience and the right professional help and support, all this, and more is possible.

Finding recovery at White River Manor

At White River Manor, we know that recovering from addiction and trauma involves more than just clinical intervention and care. 

It’s also about fun, joy and tapping into whatever makes you the whole, unique individual that you are.

Our addiction programmes are not only trauma-informed, but they are also tailored to restore balance and calm to your mind, body, and soul. 

It’s about embracing feelings instead of numbing them with drinking, exercising, or working them away. And if I can learn to sit with my feelings, you can too.

Contact our professional team today for further advice and support.