An “enabler” is a person who encourages or allows self-destructive behaviour in another. That means any habit that’s detrimental to the person and usually those around them too.
It’s most often used around someone addicted to alcohol or drugs. By enabling the addict it means the addiction is more likely to continue.
For instance, it’s when an alcoholic’s partner does things for the alcoholic they could do for themselves if they were not drinking so much. That is such as repairing something they damaged in a drunken state.
Many people would see this as just being helpful. But there’s a big difference.
Helping is doing something the addict could not do for themselves. Enabling means you do something they could do themselves if their addiction wasn’t in the way.
Common traits of enablers are:
It’s very hard not to do everything you can for someone who’s clearly struggling. But an addict needs to realize that their behaviour has consequences.
They never will if someone else is always mopping up their mess. That means they will be much less likely to seek the help they desperately need.
Stopping being an enabler can be extremely difficult. An alcoholic’s partner may, for instance, fear the family income will be lost if the alcoholic loses their job. Or that the alcoholic will have a terrible accident or end up taking their life.
It’s such a recognized problem that in 1951 Al-Anon was formed. It’s an organization that helps anyone who is worried about someone with a drinking problem.
One of its strongest suggestions is not to cover for a problematic situation that an alcoholic’s behaviour causes. That’s described as “putting pillows under them”. This means the heavy drinker will never feel any of the pain caused by their actions.
While we cannot change other people, we can always change our attitude, behaviour and reactions towards them. We need to learn the difference between enabling and helping.
It’s important to remember you can choose not to accept or tolerate certain behaviour. You can “detach with love”.
This means you are letting go of solving the addicted person’s addiction and all its difficulties. But you still love that person.
Make sure not to:
Make sure to:
Everything needs to be assessed as it arises. You cannot say such as that you will never give the addicted person a lift anywhere. For instance, if they ask for a lift to a 12 Steps meeting you would be helping if you took them. But giving them a lift to somewhere they could visit a bar would make you an enabler.
Many addicts become skilled manipulators and regularly deceive to keep their addiction going. This could be such as saying they need money for food when it’s really for a drink.
Many people in a relationship with an addict discover they are a co-dependent person.
A co-dependent is someone characterized by excessive psychological or emotional reliance on a partner, usually one who requires support for an illness or addiction. Co-Dependents Anonymous (CoDA) is a group that helps co-dependent people.
Many times when an addict’s enabling system is removed, it causes them to seek help. But it’s not guaranteed. This is often very difficult to accept.
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Posted on July 6th, 2020 by Giles Fourie