If you’ve ever experienced the life-altering, earth-shattering pain of losing a loved one, you’re likely familiar with the many misconceptions about what grief is supposed to look and feel like.
There’s Elizabeth Kubler Ross’ infamous ‘Five Stages of Grief’ model, where she filters grief into five different emotions and experiences:
- Denial
- Anger
- Bargaining
- Depression
- Acceptance
This outdated grief framework has sparked much debate over the years.
Many argue that loss impacts more than just our emotions and thoughts – it also profoundly affects the body, spirit, and nervous system, in ways traditional models tend to overlook.
William Worden’s ‘Four Tasks of Mourning’ offers an approach better suited to the reality of losing a loved one.
Unlike the five-stage model, it doesn’t try to fit grief into a linear emotional sequence. Worden suggests that, to begin functioning and find meaning again, we must accept the reality of loss – that our loved one died – even though it may feel unbelievable or untrue.
Acknowledging the loss, he states, is essential for moving forward in the grieving process.
But since grief dysregulates the nervous system, throwing our entire lives out of balance, how can we begin to acknowledge the loss when it feels unbearable to even think about, much less move forward from it?
The key to all this lies in understanding how grief affects the nervous system. Let’s explore this further.
How grief affects the nervous system
The loss of a loved one, whether a parent, partner, sibling, child, or even a pet, often marks a dividing line in life: a clear ‘before’ and ‘after.’
Grief can be so enduring and overwhelmingly unbearable that it dysregulates the nervous system. Although deeply uncomfortable, this reaction is a natural response to loss.
When someone close to us dies, our nervous system instinctively shifts into survival mode, heightening our protective responses.
This is why so many people who are grieving (and you may have experienced this yourself) find themselves struggling with anxiety, depression, difficulty concentrating, and sudden mood swings, among other symptoms.
Fight or flight
Grief acts as a fertiliser for what was already there, and you may notice that the way you cope with loss amplifies your existing patterns or symptoms.
For instance, if you have always tended toward anxiety, those symptoms may intensify after a loss. You might feel jumpier, more restless, hypersensitive, or downright terrified of the future and haunted by the past.
This is known as the ‘fight or flight’ response, or hyperarousal, where the nervous system becomes flooded or overwhelmed by grief.
The ‘Window of Capacity’ is a helpful concept here: it maps out the nervous system’s responses in terms of ‘I can’ (upper window) and ‘I can’t’ (lower window).
In the ‘I can’ or fight-or-flight state, you may notice you have a lot more energy, channelling it into overworking, exercising, or other ‘doing’ behaviours to cope with the shock of loss.
Grievers in this state may seem more irritable, distracted, busy, or emotionally reactive.
Freeze or shut down
Alternatively, depending on your particular coping style, you may experience the ‘freeze’ state after loss. Clinically, this is called ‘hypoarousal.’
This is more of a downregulated state, where you may feel physically or emotionally numb, disconnected, immobilised, or exhausted.
The nervous system here shifts to ‘I can’t,’ which can feel incredibly frightening and emotionally paralysing for those navigating the loss of a loved one.
Given the complexity of grief and trauma, therapists, clinicians, and coaches must incorporate body, spirit, and nervous system approaches in a trauma-informed and safe manner, ensuring that healing is accessible and respectful of individual values and boundaries.
Why healing requires the body
Older models of grief often overlook the full extent of its impact.
Grief can disrupt cognitive functioning, fragment identity, and deeply dysregulate the nervous system – affecting mind, body, and spirit.
The most effective approaches take into account the interconnectedness of all these different parts, and are deeply informed by an understanding of the nervous system.
Research indicates that only a small percentage of our experiences are processed through the mind (around 10-20%); the rest either move through the body safely or become ‘stuck’ in the body and nervous system.
This highlights the importance of holistic grief support methods that incorporate the body for safe, effective healing.
To begin healing after loss, the body must first:
- Learn to feel safe again.
- Relearn how to regulate its stress response.
- Rebuild a sense of grounding and stability.
- Reconnect with others and with life.
Some helpful ways to incorporate the body in grief support include gentle movement, body scans, and somatic experiencing exercises, which help clients reconnect with their physical sensations and process grief more holistically.
Trauma-informed yoga and mindfulness
Yoga and mindfulness, which we offer at our rehab centre in South Africa, support nerve activation, helping to reduce anxiety and restore emotional balance.
These practices enable grievers to reconnect with their bodies in a safe and guided way, allowing them to access deeper layers of healing and integration.
Remembering you have a body
Very often, people in deep, acute grief are so caught up in shock, survival, and mental loops that they forget to tap into themselves.
Somatic-based approaches are vital because they remind us to check in with our physical bodies. These practices allow grievers to get curious about the following:
- Where do these sensations, emotions, and beliefs live inside me?
- What does this part of me need right now?
- What does it want me to know?
- If this heavy feeling in my stomach could speak, what might it say?
- How can I turn the insights I gain into actionable intentions that help me function better, cope with the changes of loss, or, depending on where I am in my grief journey, move forward while honouring my grief and my loved one?
Trauma-informed treatment
Grief is, at its core, a boundary violation – a change we didn’t want or ask for.
Therefore, trauma-informed approaches like EMDR and Somatic Experiencing can really help grievers reprocess the trauma of grief in a safe, supportive, and guided way.
Adverse life experiences, such as sudden loss or other types of grief, can be so intense and overwhelming that the nervous system will do only what it knows best: go into a protective state for survival.
When this happens, much of what occurred in the early stages of loss somehow gets incorrectly stored in the body, leading to various emotional complications like PTSD, depression, anxiety, and even addiction.
Approaches like EMDR and Somatic Experiencing help release the negative charge associated with grief experiences, which can help lower distress and alleviate the symptoms of mental health disorders like post-traumatic stress disorder and depression.
Summary
The body must be included in grief support because it is a natural component of the grieving process. After all, we live inside our bodies – so neglecting this aspect overlooks a major container for our emotions and experiences.
Grief involves a whole range of physical and emotional changes.
Incorporating the body in grief support can help grievers process these feelings and physical symptoms safely and effectively.
Safe, adequate grief support must include all aspects of the bereavement experience: the mind, body, soul, and nervous system to provide comprehensive care and compassionate understanding for those who have endured the loss of a loved one.
Grief may leave us feeling broken and disoriented, but with the right support and guidance, we can learn to honour the parts of ourselves that were lost in grief and welcome back the parts of us that survived.
Next steps
If you or someone you love is struggling to come to terms with loss, our professional, compassionate team at White River Manor can help.
We provide comprehensive, trauma-informed treatment programmes for a range of emotional difficulties like anxiety, depression, trauma, substance use, and grief.
Our experienced team offers a safe, supportive environment for you to rest, reflect, and heal in a way that is both transformative and empowering.
You don’t have to face these struggles alone.
We are always here to lend a compassionate ear. Contact our team at our rehab centre in South Africa today for further information and support.
About Gert Janse Van Rensburg
Gert Janse van Rensburg is a Clinical Psychologist and Equine Therapist at White River Manor. With over two decades of experience, Gert helps oversee most of the clients, bringing deep knowledge and a calming presence to addiction recovery.
