Finding the Right Sponsor in Recovery: What to Look For and Why it Matters

The first weeks of addiction recovery are strange. You’re showing up to recovery meetings with a head full of questions, trying to string together sober days while your brain keeps whispering, Maybe one drink wouldn’t hurt. 

Everything’s raw. Some days feel hopeful. Other days feel impossible. And somewhere in the middle of all that, someone’s probably said: “You need a sponsor.”

Okay. But what does that actually mean? Who are you supposed to trust? And how do you even know if someone’s the right person to guide you through something this big?

The truth is, sponsorship can become one of the most important relationships in your recovery. The right sponsor can help you stay grounded when your emotions swing (and they will), help you see your blind spots, and walk with you as you work through the 12 steps. But finding that person? It takes some thought, a lot of honesty, and willingness to be open to guidance.

Let’s talk about how to find a sponsor who can genuinely walk alongside you and why that matters so much.

So, what exactly does a sponsor do?

At its core, a sponsor is someone a little further down the road who’s willing to help you walk the recovery path they’ve already travelled. They’re not professionals. They’re not there to fix you or give you life advice. They’re simply people who’ve faced many of the same addiction struggles and stayed sober long enough to share what’s worked for them.

They’re the person you call when your head starts spinning. The one who reminds you why you’re doing this when your motivation shakes. The person who asks insightful questions to help you see things in a new way. 

Sponsorship can be incredibly powerful because it brings two people together—one offering guidance, the other offering willingness. And as the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous puts it: “Nothing will so much insure immunity from drinking as intensive work with other alcoholics.” (Alcoholics Anonymous, Chapter 7: “Working With Others”)

Why who you choose actually matters

You don’t need someone with the longest sobriety. You need someone whose recovery you respect. Someone who isn’t just sober but is living the kind of sober life you want to build. The person you choose can shape how you tackle tough moments and how you learn to trust the process.

The wrong sponsor can leave you feeling more confused, stuck, or even discouraged. The right one can help you find clarity, stability, and hope on the hard days. Sometimes, it really is the difference between staying stuck and moving forward.

What to look for in a sponsor

If you’re trying to figure out who to ask, here are some signs you’re looking in the right direction:

They’ve actually worked the 12 steps.

Look for someone who’s not only sober but has fully worked all 12 steps—and continues to work them. Someone actively doing their own recovery work will be better equipped to help you stay on track with yours. As a study published by the National Library of Medicine (NIH) points out, peer-based recovery support, such as sponsorship, plays a significant role in helping people stay engaged and avoid relapse in the long term.

They’ve got solid boundaries.

A good sponsor isn’t trying to control your life. They won’t tell you who to date, how to spend your money, or what job you should take. They’re not your therapist or your parent. They’ll help you stay focused on your spiritual growth and your step work without overstepping. As American Addiction Centers explains, a sponsor isn’t there to process trauma or give clinical advice. Their role is to guide you through the steps and hold you accountable.

They’re consistent and available.

You need someone who will answer your calls, meet regularly, and show up when they say they will. Consistency builds trust, and trust is what makes the sponsor-sponsee relationship work. That said, sponsors are human beings with lives of their own; they won’t always be instantly available, but you should feel confident that they’ll show up for you when it counts.

They tell the truth with kindness.

You want a sponsor who isn’t afraid to challenge you, but who also doesn’t shame you. Recovery already comes with enough guilt. The best sponsors are able to be direct without being harsh. They’ll call out your disease when it’s trying to bargain with you, but they’ll do it from a place of care, not control.

They feel like a good personality fit.

You don’t have to share every detail of your background or experiences, but you should feel comfortable being open and honest with them. Do you trust them? Do you feel like they “get” you? That matters more than you might think. If you feel safe being fully honest, the work will go much deeper.

What a sponsor isn’t

Now, let’s talk about what a sponsor isn’t:

• They’re not your therapist.
• They’re not your life coach.
• They’re not your personal crisis manager.
• They’re not a substitute for professional help if you’re working through mental health or trauma issues.
• And they absolutely should not be a romantic interest.

If any of those lines start to blur, that’s a sign the relationship needs to be re-evaluated or ended.

How do you actually ask someone?

This part feels awkward for just about everyone. The good news is: most people in recovery remember exactly what it felt like to be new. You don’t have to give a speech or make it perfect.

You can simply say:

“I’ve really appreciated hearing you share, and I respect your recovery. Would you be open to sponsoring me?”

Or:

“Could we grab coffee sometime and talk about sponsorship? I think I’d benefit from working with you.”

And if they say no? Don’t take it personally. Some people simply aren’t able to take on new sponsees right now, and that’s okay. Keep asking until you find the right person.

Can you change sponsors later?

Yes. 100% yes.

You’re not locked in forever. As you grow in recovery, your needs may change, too. Or you may find that the person you chose isn’t quite the right fit. If that happens, you can respectfully change sponsors.

The important thing is that you keep moving forward. Don’t let fear of switching stop you from staying engaged in the programme.

Why sponsorship actually works

Sponsorship works because it pulls us out of our own heads. It keeps us accountable, connected, and honest, especially when the old thinking starts to creep back in.

And the research backs this up. A study published in Substance Use & Misuse found that people who actively worked with a sponsor and stayed involved in 12-step activities were significantly more likely to maintain sobriety over time. Having that regular connection with someone who’s walked the road ahead helps you stay grounded when your own thoughts try to pull you back into old patterns.

One more thing no one tells you

Sometimes, the most valuable part of sponsorship isn’t even the advice; it’s simply being seen. Having one person who truly knows where you’ve been and who listens without judgment can be a lifeline on the hardest days.

It’s about the community—the shared experience, honest conversations, and the steady reminder that you don’t have to figure this out alone.

Final thoughts

Choosing a sponsor isn’t about finding someone flawless. It’s about finding someone real. Someone who’s done the work, who continues doing the work, and who’s willing to walk beside you while you do yours.

At White River Manor, we understand how important that kind of support is, not just while you’re here with us, but long after you leave. If you’re ready to begin (or strengthen) your recovery journey, we’re here and ready to help you take that next step. Contact us today to start the conversation.